If you've ever watched the movie version of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas or listened to Christmas music on the radio or Pandora, you've no doubt heard the song Where Are You Christmas. The song tells how the feeling of magic isn't there anymore. It just doesn't feel right.
Here I sit in the quiet house because insomnia has struck again. The living room looks like a tornado struck. Two decorative stockings and six Christmas cards that came in the mail are the only signs of the holiday. Christmas is nine days away. In a few hours we will be joining many others in the madness known as holiday shopping. In seven days I will be at my mother's house pre cooking most of the desserts and side dishes for the Christmas meal. Apart from being with family, I couldn't care less about any of it.
My husband seems to feel the same way I do. Apparently neither of us wanted the tree up this year, and he hasn't for several years, because although I stated several times I want the tree up, it hasn't been done. Honestly I feel like throwing out all the decorations and being done with it. Less clutter to deal with in an already too small house and I won't have to deal with battling feelings.
I just can't seem to get into the spirit of things these days. I'd love to pin all of the blame on the apathy and depression of others -- my mom who sighs that the holidays just aren't like they used to be; my brother who wishes the holidays were over with already, mostly because he , like most of the rest of us, has only a limited amount of money with which to buy gifts; my husband who I'm guessing has been dealing with depression for several years by ignoring it. The truth is, they are only partly to blame for dampening my spirits. Each year I come out of the starting gate raring to go! I have lists of gifts to make or buy, cards to send out, food to make. The cards get sent out, most of the gifts get taken care of. Some of the food gets made at the last minute. The last few several years the tree has been put up maybe a week before Christmas and then half heartedly.
Blah. I have an inward battle going on with myself. I used to be the ultimate six year old every Christmas. I would get excited about the lights, the smells, the sights, the family, the gifts, the whole bit. More and more it seems like I'm wading through a sea of battling ideas over why and and how to celebrate Christmas (not in my family but online and all around in real life) and trying to be the holiday cheerleader for family who seem to only be going through the motions of the holiday for the kids. I wish I could block out the feelings of others. I wish I could stop celebrating altogether. But next year I'll be back to wanting a good old fashioned Norman Rockwell Christmas that in reality is more like a mix of The Waltons, The Simpsons, and the family in Nothing Like the Holidays with just enough It's a Wonderful Life thrown in.
This year it's highly doubtful that a Christmas tree will be put up in my house. It makes me sad, but its not the end of the world. We'll have a good Christmas because family will be together. Those who can't make it will call or we will call them. We will be worshipping with our church family on that day. And I will be happy because my husband does not have to work that day.