Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Gift of Time and Motherhood

Have you ever watched children (perhaps your own) arguing? One invariably says "I'm never speaking to you again!" and storms off. Five minutes later they're best friends again. Our ability to forgive and forget should be that easy.
   Yesterday morning was very hard. J was in the midst of a meltdown and The Hubs wasn't too happy himself. All I could think was, this is it. We have to place him in a home. I can't have a normal life here. I can't even keep the place clean. And it wasn't even that bad of a meltdown, as far as those go. If the one he had a few weeks ago when he tore the padding off the roof of the car was a ten on the meltdown scorecard, then this one was at best a 5. We ended up giving him behavior medicine. Calms him down fairly quickly but takes away his appetite and that eventually frustrates us both. 
   The rest of the day was fine. We followed our usual routine and had our music in the afternoon. He loves that. My ears are ringing after music time because he likes it L*O*U*D. But we were both happy. And I was already letting go of the idea that it was time for him to be in  a home. I know that one day that decision will have to be made. After all, I've talked about it a time or two on this blog and numerous times with The Hubs. It's not a decision I want to make, and I don't want it to be made when I'm angry. That will only lead to regret. 
  This morning I woke from a dream in which some guy was accusing J of taking his soda and drinking from it. Possible, because I've seen him do it to family members. We're still working on personal space and property. In the dream I explained that he was autistic and replaced the soda, but the man was in the corner with his wife loudly proclaiming that, in so many words, autism is  a scam. I told the man to shush. I've seen rude people before, but sheesh! In my dream that worked. But I woke up from the dream and heard J already awake and upset. He'd gone to bed without much dinner because of the effects of the medicine, and he was understandably hungry! So now I'm typing away and after being fed, he's happily rocking in his chair. 
   I've been a mother for over 20 years and I'm still learning. There are days when I wish that life could be a bit more normal and he'd be at college or otherwise on his own. At the very least somewhere else. But I'd miss his happy chatter each day. I'd miss the smiles and the hugs that rarely appear but do show up from time to time, making them more precious than diamonds to me. 
   This is new territory for us, having an adult in the house with a largely child like mind. There are things he simply does not understand so he handles them the only way he can. But we'll figure it out. We have time. For now I'll continue to enjoy life as a mom. 

This post is linked to Heavenly Homemakers Gratituesday.
and Titus2sdays.  Please check out both and connect to other women.

1 comment:

  1. Your posts about you and your son reveal your nurturing heart. Thanks for sharing your sweet story with us & for visiting me at Doorkeeper. Blessings!