The Gift of Time and Motherhood

Have you ever watched children (perhaps your own) arguing? One invariably says "I'm never speaking to you again!" and storms off. Five minutes later they're best friends again. Our ability to forgive and forget should be that easy.
   Yesterday morning was very hard. J was in the midst of a meltdown and The Hubs wasn't too happy himself. All I could think was, this is it. We have to place him in a home. I can't have a normal life here. I can't even keep the place clean. And it wasn't even that bad of a meltdown, as far as those go. If the one he had a few weeks ago when he tore the padding off the roof of the car was a ten on the meltdown scorecard, then this one was at best a 5. We ended up giving him behavior medicine. Calms him down fairly quickly but takes away his appetite and that eventually frustrates us both. 
   The rest of the day was fine. We followed our usual routine and had our music in the afternoon. He loves that. My ears are ringing after music time because he likes it L*O*U*D. But we were both happy. And I was already letting go of the idea that it was time for him to be in  a home. I know that one day that decision will have to be made. After all, I've talked about it a time or two on this blog and numerous times with The Hubs. It's not a decision I want to make, and I don't want it to be made when I'm angry. That will only lead to regret. 
  This morning I woke from a dream in which some guy was accusing J of taking his soda and drinking from it. Possible, because I've seen him do it to family members. We're still working on personal space and property. In the dream I explained that he was autistic and replaced the soda, but the man was in the corner with his wife loudly proclaiming that, in so many words, autism is  a scam. I told the man to shush. I've seen rude people before, but sheesh! In my dream that worked. But I woke up from the dream and heard J already awake and upset. He'd gone to bed without much dinner because of the effects of the medicine, and he was understandably hungry! So now I'm typing away and after being fed, he's happily rocking in his chair. 
   I've been a mother for over 20 years and I'm still learning. There are days when I wish that life could be a bit more normal and he'd be at college or otherwise on his own. At the very least somewhere else. But I'd miss his happy chatter each day. I'd miss the smiles and the hugs that rarely appear but do show up from time to time, making them more precious than diamonds to me. 
   This is new territory for us, having an adult in the house with a largely child like mind. There are things he simply does not understand so he handles them the only way he can. But we'll figure it out. We have time. For now I'll continue to enjoy life as a mom. 

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One Tough Decision: Does He Stay with Us or Go to a Home?

`I really did not want to write today, but yesterday I made a promise to myself. I made up my mind to write something every day, for 30 days. And let's face it, writing is cathartic. You can get all your thoughts and feelings and plans down on paper, all your emotions. You can write letters to people who intrigue you, bedevil you, anger you,  help you. You can simply write lists or fill the page with stuff that only you understand. Then you can hit send, hit delete, mail it, destroy it. I love having that power.
  While I will be writing every day, I don't know that all of it will end up being published to read. My goal is still two to three posts a week, and I've yet to meet that on a consistent basis lately. I'm working on it though.  I have a lot to say about life. I have way too much to say about autism. 
  Yup, still on that kick so far. I'm at a point of frustration at myself because there are days like today that I don't know which end is up. I know there are parents who deal with the negative aspects of autism on a regular basis like I do so when I talk about my experiences and thoughts, I want to be honest. 
  My son isn't always loving and sweet and kind. For whatever reason, he lashes out. He had a sonogram today to check his liver and within the next few weeks he will see a gastroenterologist. Somewhere along either of those two lines is the reason for his tummy issues. While I think that part of the problem is he has turned some of it into a "stim" (self stimulation, in short, a tic that a person does out of habit or as a way of calming or lessening self boredom), there is a medical reason behind the majority of it. The belching and the vomiting gets on his own nerves I'm sure, because he gets angry quite easily the regurgitation. 
  I know he goes through a lot, but sometimes I reach my own breaking point. While he does not get violent every day or for long when it  happens, it's wearing on the nerves. I hurt for him inside because I desperately want to fix whatever it is that is bothering him, frustrated because sometimes I just can't. I worry that one day he will progress beyond hitting or biting, and harm himself, or me. I'm a big girl, but he's a lot stronger than I am. 
  It's during bad rages that I begin wondering, Should I find a group home or a hospital/school in which to place him? It's not an easy decision, especially when you have two soft hearted parents and well meaning family who love to give advice on the matter. Most of the advice is, Don't do it. 
   As parents, we want to take care of him no matter what. At the same time he can over power me and can currently give his Dad a good run for his money. It's during the rages that i sometimes think, That's it. We have to place him somewhere. Afterward, when he's calm, I'm right back to thinking, nah. It'll be okay. And I'm good for awhile.
   I'm at a stand still for now. I've prayed about it, our church family prays for our wisdom in caring for J. We've talked about it all, my husband and I, on several occasions. While one or the other of us has at one time or another been for placing him in a home, the other shies away. At this point, neither of us is ready to commit to having J anywhere but with us. Until we both agree, we continue on. 
   One day we may have to go ahead and make that decision, once and for all. Neither of us is looking forward to it. It's not like we would find a place for him and then forget he ever existed. That would never happen. We would visit, bring him home at times, continue to care. So why does a decision like this have to be so hard?       

Life With Autism: Meltdowns

The day started out great. J was in a good mood, I was in a great mood, things were getting accomplished. We had to do laundry and get a few groceries so we had lunch out. And the day spiraled down from there.
  He did well at Burger King. Ate everything in sight. Then we went to Wally World. He hates Wal mart. He sat down at the pharmacy area nearly the entire time but he was not happy. We left there and was about to go do laundry. He was still upset so we thought, okay, we'll go get him something to eat because he's acting like he's still hungry. He ignored the chili dog we got him and focused on the hot fudge sundae that I had. 
  He became calmer so we went to the laundromat. Big mistake. Not crowded, but the tv and the machines were loud. His bad  mood was back. Ripped his shirt completely apart, shrieked,  and attacked Jim and one of the windows. Amazingly Jim didnt get  bitten this time, but the window didnt survive. It spider webbed from top to bottom, and this is a large store front window. Yay. I gave him medication to calm him --which apparently did not take effect until we got home; he's in his Archie chair, docile as a lamb. The owner of the laundromat was notified before we left and he has Jim's name and the phone number. So far he hasn't contacted us, but I know it's coming. All I can do is pray for mercy because we can't afford to replace a storefront window at this point.
  Having an adult child with autism is not easy. And that's putting it mildly. The meltdowns don't come often these days but when they do... look out. I don't really know what to do. We were told there is a place that could take J for up to a week at a time when he's out of control. No name, no address, lotta help there.   We could go to the emergency room where they will either give him a shot to calm him down or they put him in an isolation room till he calms down. Neither option is good. We could give up custody and let the state put him in a facility. Not what I want to happen, either.  I suppose we could just stay home with him, take turns going to the grocery store or whatever so he doesn't have to deal with the stress and the public doesnt have to deal with it. I'm not real thrilled with that option either.
  I'm holding on but barely. I know there has to be an answer but for some reason I'm not seeing it. I love my son, but I can't stand autism. I hate what it does to him. I'm angry that he was affected by vaccines and who knows what in the environment. I want answers. I want a cure. I don't want this run around that the government and health officials like to give parents. I want honesty. Most of all, I want to be telepathic so I can read my son's mind. I want to know what he's thinking, what he's feeling. Playing 21 Questions every time he's upset is hard on us both! Somehow I don't think I'm going to get any of those things.
  Don't get me wrong. Most days are great. It's just the meltdowns that wear on me and make me wonder what's best for my son.