An Open Letter to Adults About Teaching and Correcting Children

 Dear parents, teachers, aunts, uncles, and other adults in charge of children:


Just a few days ago I was verbally attacked by an eighteen year old and her little friends. It happened publicly, on Facebook, because this child has obviously been taught, one way or another, that this is the proper way of handling a situation. Throw out a liberal dose of profanity and beat one's chest in the manner of a gorilla, sprinkling in words like respect.  

Sad to say, at first I took the bait, although I did not read this child's entire rant. I responded from the heart. Then I deleted and apologized to anyone who could have read any of that on my page. I am by no means perfect, but I won't listen to that type of speech. I close my ears to it. Using that language at me on the phone earns a hang up. In print, the delete button comes in very handy.  I even stated that conversations are welcome; profanity and abusive language would be removed and those involved would be blocked from my page.  My husband took it upon himself to guard my page so I wouldn't have to see it all. Why? Because I'm related to the 18 year old and the ones who chose to follow her lead.

I did see that one adult came to the defense of the 18 year old, remarking that no one knows the truth about the 18 year old. The sad truth is, that in this world that can quote and twist to their needs in many cases the verse in the bible that says judge not, everyone does. Matthew 7:1, NIV, states "Do not judge, or you too will be judged."  Because I was judged, those who read the diatribe on my page judged the 18 year old by her words and by what they could see on the 18 year old's own page. 


Truth: People know you by your words and your actions. If you are proud of those words and actions, own it. If you aren't happy with the way people see (judge) you, then perhaps it's time to do some thinking.


Some will dismiss the actions and words of those involved in the verbal attack as those who don't know any better, or "they're going to do stuff like that, they're young".  Just kids. I see. That makes it okay then. Or does it? As i said, the main instigator was 18. One of her followers (whether he wrote himself or was "hacked") is in his late 20's. 


Truth: Parents, Aunts, Uncles, Teachers, and other adults in authority, we must remember that the words and actions of our children are a reflection on us. 

Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.  KJV Proverbs 22:15

It is up to us adults to teach and to correct bad behavior while the children are young so that when the world sees our little darlings, the world doesn't hold up a mirror that makes us unhappy.  We all love our children and we want to be the cool parent whose home is the local hangout, right? That's what keeps our children loving us, right? Not so much. Being a parent means teaching right from wrong, and how to deal with a situation that makes them unhappy. In other words, if we do not correct our children's behavior now, someone else will do it later, and the way it is done may lead to heartbreak. Not everyone will simply hit delete and move on. Some will choose to involve the police or other court system, some will retaliate in kind and introduce violence. We only have to read or watch the news to know that deaths occur everyday in this country(!) over matters that could and should have been talked out.  Many scream about how far we've come as a society, and how certain groups are dragging us back in time to "the bad old days." Read your history. We haven't gone forward or backward. We're simply spinning our wheels because the lesson's aren't being learned.

I for one, have many lessons still to learn. I am by no means perfect. But when someone has a problem, I am willing to listen as long as it is brought to me in  a respectful manner. Respect is another word being thrown about in this world, like truth, but few know or care about its meaning. That, my friends, is another lesson for another day. For now I have spoken my peace. Thank you for listening.

simply,

Dottie

Can We Talk?

How are you at communication? Do you tell others how you feel? Do you, out of love and concern, take someone aside to discuss a matter that has been brought to your attention? Or do you make a general comment, hoping that the one who needs most to hear those words will get the idea? Furthermore, would you be open to talk about something other than the weather and other "safe" subjects? I'm asking these questions not only of you, the reader, but of myself as well. One who is perfectly content to hide behind the keyboard, so to speak, and let my feelings be known in this manner.
    I'm  a shy person by nature. I blush when I talk to more than one person at a time unless I've known them for a long while. Even then, my deepest thoughts and feelings are known only to those I deem closest to me -God, my husband, and my sister. Or I pour my heart out in my writings, most of which the world has yet to see.
   I've noticed though, an alarming trend in the world, and it has crept into the church to some degree as well. Hiding behind the keyboard or a "general statement" made in a group of people when there is a problem or a perceived problem. A perceived problem is when you misunderstand what a person has said or done. Either way, whether perceived or real, how is the person or persons to whom you were referring, supposed to know that you have issue with the situation unless you speak up? Not to the world at large, but individually.
King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.)
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. Matthew 18:15
 I consider this statement to be true even if it isn't necessarily a sin. Sisters and brothers (I know there are a few who read this from time to time), we ought not to be calling out individuals in general. If it is something that a lot of people have been doing then fine. Point out exactly what the problem is and suggest in appropriate ways that it stop. But if your intent is to to truly help someone grow, rather than "read" them from a distance, go to them in private. 
  I don't know the person well enough.  Is she your sister in Christ? That means you are family. Pray about the situation. Discuss it with her. Better yet, get to know her. Speaking as one who would rather hear the truth in love on an individual level when someone is upset with me, it works better this way. The truth may sting a little, but the pain of truth is far easier to take than the thought that you aren't loved enough to hear the truth.
  I dont want to hurt her feelings. See above. Don't just come out and say "You're wrong, sister". Discuss it. Say what's on your mind in a loving manner and get her side of things. Go from there.
   Ladies, there are numerous reasons why we feel we can't talk one on one with one another. Most are just excuses. The simple truth of the matter is we don't know if we haven't been taught. Throwing a general statement out into the crowd like a fisherman casts his net may catch a few. Sometimes though, to catch "the big one" you have to use a rod and reel. 
   In closing, I'd like to say this: As a writer, I like having my ears tickled with praise. But I also know that not everyone agrees with what I have to say. Comments are always welcome, good and bad, as long as they are respectful. If you feel the need to contact me privately on a matter, please do. I have an open door policy with my email if you can't find me any other way. Let's Talk! 
       

Speak to Me

  The most frustrating thing for a mother, or a parent for that matter, is to know her child is upset but not know why.  J is taking a bath at the moment but just a few minutes ago he was crying and inconsolable. Most kids can tell you what's wrong. J can't. Through the fun of 20 questions he finally nodded at me. Tummy ache. It breaks my heart that I pretty much have to guess at what he needs or wants even though we've worked on and off for years on communication. (before I get tons of emails slamming me for being inconsistent with that work, I simply mean that its a continuing thing for him and we tend to get stuck in certain areas of communication.) 
  Sometimes I don't think its a tummy ache or even a head ache that upsets him. I wonder if he simply doesn't know how to let me know he's just having a bad day or something is bothering him. J is a rather independent child. Always has been. Instead of using words to get what he wants he'd rather do it himself. If I forget and hand him a shirt that has a tag in the back, I hear the rip that signals he's gotten rid of the offending irritant.  If he's hungry and my mind reading skills are on vacation, he can be found rummaging through the cabinets or the freezer. 
  I sometimes miss out on so much because he either can't or chooses not to speak or sign. he can say some things, although you have to listen somewhat carefully to understand him when he does use words. A lot of it is echolalia --he's simply repeating what he's heard before --but some words are appropriately used. While running his bath water I clearly heard him say "stop it". as if he was telling the tummy ache or whatever is bothering him to leave him alone. 
  Most of what I know about my son is through pure studying him. He giggles happily when he finds a (rare) stash of chocolates and thinks he's gotten away with something sneaky. Given the choice between pizza and shrimp, he will almost always choose the shrimp. Cats are fine as long as they stay out of his room and off the furniture. And for whatever reason, he does not like to see his dad wearing a black tee shirt. He tries his best to convince him to take off the offending item and J promptly throws it away. I would love to figure that one out. 
  I know in heaven my son will no longer have a disability. He will be whole, as the rest of us will be. I fancy myself asking him then about all the secrets that he had here on earth, but when that time comes I honestly don't think any of the earthly things will matter anymore.  For now we will continue to encourage speech and communication. I will continue to watch him, learn from and about him, and love him. And I will never give up the hope that he will one day speak to me.

Update to My Stand

If you read my blog post Saturday night about teens and sex   you would know I didn't finish watching the dvd episode that made me want to write in the first place. I watched it last night. Although a few things made me sad, I am happy to report that I was pleased with how such a sensitive subject as teen pregnancy was handled by the writers. The entire series is a show I would sit and watch with my children and discuss with them during and afterward. This one especially bears watching together. 
  A few things still made me sad though. The boyfriend's feelings were discounted and although he was overzealous and wrong in some (not all) of his thinking, he did want to take responsibility for a life he helped create. Also, though I can understand why the female cop said what she did when asked about her own abortion as a young teenager, it still made me sad. Teen girls need to find someone they can talk to --preferably mom and dad, so please keep the lines of communication open no matter what. If that is not possible, an aunt, a trusted teacher,  someone in the congregation. And those who do talk with the girl honestly, and don't push the "option" of deleting the child. There are ways of handling the situation. Look carefully and you will find good families willing to adopt. I just wish that adoption was a little easier financially. There are good families out there --some may not be able to afford all the fees involved and that is the only thing keeping them from adopting. And if the girl wants to keep the child, support her! I don't necessarily mean financially support, although she may need that. Support emotionally, be there for her. Help her realize that although it won't be easy (life isn't easy nor is it fair), getting an education can be done and sometimes holding down a job to raise the child is part of loving it. 
 The boy should be encouraged to take responsibility as well. If he is not ready to be a father, fine. He should still be made to take financial responsibility for the baby. If he wants to help raise the child, help him figure out how to do that. Support his wishes there. I believe in both sides being heard on this, but there is one thing I would never condone -- letting one kill the child when the other wants to keep the child. My support will always be with the one who wants to keep the child or give the baby up for adoption. 
 In one scene the mother of the teenager confronted the undercover cop and the woman who ran the clinic. She was understandably angry with both because neither encouraged her daughter to be home to talk with her parents about her situation and her fears. The excuse came up, "Many girls don't have that option." I know that not all homes are ideal. Some parents would take it badly. But most parents are willing to listen. They will be heartbroken that their daughter is pregnant, but would be willing to love and support their daughter and help her figure out a solution that is beneficial.