I Blew It: A Lesson in Anger and Patience

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I'm not perfect.


I know, right? Shocking. Or not so much. I am a human. I make mistakes.  I sin. I yell at the top of my lungs in front of the people I love most in this world. And i feel like a world class heel.

Remember the Looney Tunes characters when they get mad? Yeah, that was me. I'm not proud of it. There are all kinds of excuses. It's Monday. I was hungry. Blah blah blah. 
   The truth of the matter is I let stress and anger get the better of me and I blew my top. Two people were in tears and everyone in the house was stressed. 

The King James bible says in James 3:8,  But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.

Anger is as contagious as the measles. One person goes off the deep end, others follow. It isn't pretty. What gets me is I've been studying about anger and patience in my quiet time. I've been praying about it. I've been trying to learn the lessons God would have me to learn. I'm trying to see this morning's screamfest not as abject failure, but, as a friend touched on yesterday, a moment of clarity. 

One of the verses that stood out to me in today's study was Luke 11:40

Be ye therefore ready also; for the Son of man cometh at an hour when ye think not. 

While that verse actually means to have yourself ready spiritually when Christ comes for his bride, I think it can also be applied to not letting your guard down when it comes to sin.

The bible tells us  
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:  1 Peter 5:8
  The end result of the big blow up?  I apologized, the offended party apologized, and we hugged. I still feel like a world class heel, but maybe that's a good thing right now. It's like a mental spanking. That sting can remind me to hold my tongue and speak more calmly next time.

The Ball of Yarn: A Lesson in Patience

My glasses broke this morning --again. The screw is loose and the lens popped out. Funny thing is, the spare pair is in the same predicament. I tend to fall asleep reading so (I do not recommend this) I tend to sleep with them on. I've rarely worn contact lenses after J's birth because most are uncomfortable for me. I know that there are some made for astigmatism but I've found they tend to be fairly expensive. So glasses it is, even though I'm very hard on them. Anyway, J only knows me as me with my glasses on. I don't look right to him without them. So when he came into the bedroom to see if I was awake enough to fix breakfast (at 5:30 in the morning? I don't think so, Pal), he placed the lens back in the frame and handed them to me. 

He's my Mr. Fixit. Things should be "just so". It's one of the things that makes me smile and simultaneously pulls at my heart. I can see the intelligence there. He makes the connections that some things should be a certain way and he does his best to make it so. He spent twenty minutes on my lamp a few weeks back, knowing it should be on at night. I was making do with the one on the other side of the bed to read by. That wasn't good enough for J. It should be on. (The light had blown and I hadn't bought any bulbs to replace it yet) He was determined to get mine working and even found another light bulb (blown, of course, and who knows how it got there) under the bed. That didn't work either, of course. But he kept working at it so intently that I snagged one from another room and handed it over. 

Somehow I'm not making the connection that makes all the pieces fit. Like J, I try and try, but somehow I'm missing something. While J has patience and tenacity to continue until he is satisfied with the results, I tend to be a little more impatient. I want J to talk now. I want a new place to live now. I'm slowly catching on, though.

On Thanksgiving we made the impulsive decision to visit The Hubby's Mom and sister. We live about an hour and a half away from them and don't get to to see them as often as we'd like. We'd already had Thanksgiving with my Mom and brother because of the Hubby's work schedule. I was thinking of a nice quiet day at home. Well, we had a nice, fairly quiet and fun day with family! 

During one of the quieter moments I sat with Mom while she crocheted some Christmas ornaments.  One of the skeins of yarn had gotten tangled and slightly knotted so she handed it over to me to fix. Had it been mine I might have simply taken scissors and cut the problem out. Instead I sat and slowly worked at it, enjoying the stories Mom told as she created something beautiful. Soon enough the ball of yarn in my lap was useful again. It made me think about life and how sometimes it gets all knotted up and confusing and seemingly unworkable. When I handle the problem myself I don't always come up with the greatest solution, and I sometimes lose out in the end. But when I hand over the ball of yarn to God and ask for help, it works out. It's not always what I want, when I want, or even how fast I want. It takes time. I'm seeing that in life right now. For whatever reason, I'm still here in a house that I'm not happy with but I'm trying to be thankful for.  One more thing fell into place yesterday. One more step toward the goal of a home. God still has the ball of yarn in his lap, working out the knots as I let him. Yes, I keep trying to handle things on my own at times. I don't do nearly as good a job of fixing as He does.   

Gratituesday: Thankful for Waiting

Yup, I'm still here. Haven't moved yet, although I have been packing some, in anticipation of getting out of here.
  No, I'm not the picture of patience. I too am a product of today's microwave society. Gotta have it now. I'm not happy about waiting. But I'm learning to be thankful for the chance. Being impatient is part of the reason we ended up in this particular abode in the first place. Not a good choice.

 In the past several years I've been waiting, on one thing or another. Obviously, I haven't learned what I'm supposed to yet because that particular one keeps coming up. This time, (I hope) is different. This time I'm being a little more patient and waiting on the right doors to open up. Am I happy that I will be living here possibly through Thanksgiving and maybe even Christmas? Nope. Not a bit. I'd rather live anywhere than here. But not being happy about one particular thing in my life isn't going to affect my JOY.  I have too much to be thankful for. I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. My family and I are healthy. Minus an episode on Sunday, J has been doing well the last four months or so. The list could go on. And does. 
  I'll admit, I've stamped my little foot in frustration at houses being rented before we even get a chance to see them (the last one was 99% rented yet we were allowed to look the place over, at the very same moment as the young man who had first dibs on the place. Sigh! Yup, he took it). The one thing I need to remember is God's timing is His own. Not mine. The next place for us to live will show up. I'm holding on to that promise. 

I've seen what happens when I do things on my own. I'd rather be dependent on God. 

 Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

Some Lessons are just too Hard to Learn...

And Those are The Most Important

I'm in the midst of cleaning up my act (and the house). If you have read any of the last few posts you know this. One step at a time. I'm keeping the dishes clean, I'm sweeping my kitchen, doing the laundry (and taking some steps toward putting it all away and donating what doesn't belong. I'm following Simple Mom's challenge  of decluttering one hotspot at a time for four weeks.

  But I have a son with autism. This is one of those times I really want to give up. In order to begin on my pantry I had to take off the blinders to see a moat of trash and junk that had to be dealt with before i could even begin. I knew it was there, I just chose to ignore it while I dealt with other things. The moat is gone now.  Then I needed to hang a load of laundry. The Hubby was in the bedroom making the bed, which is another task I want to complete each day. In just five minutes, the previously sleeping J woke up and noticed that the fridge was unlocked and unguarded. He took advantage of this to rid us of the sour cream. He thought it was a lovely snack. 

  Instead of realizing that it was OUR fault, both adults threw a tantrum. Short lived, but it happened. Two lessons here: 1) The fridge has to stay locked when no one is available to keep an eye on it. J only knows that he is hungry and will grab what's available. He doesn't understand a lot of times what is good for him or when to stop, and our pocketbooks are not that deep. Even if we were really well off, we can't allow him to eat anything anytime he wishes. It would make him sick.

 2)Getting angry at a child who is independent and just trying to find a snack isn't very productive. We have to vent a little sometimes, but we need to take responsibility and handle this situation ourselves. 

  Can J be taught to stay out of the fridge and ask for what he needs? Maybe. It takes time, patience, and a lot of energy. He's not dumb by any means. He can learn many things. But being human, and having a child's mind most of the time, he's going to make mistakes. We just need to figure out how best to help him.

  Am I going to give up? Absolutely not. I've worked hard the last several days on this house. I'm not discounting the countless hours I've spent before trying to figure all this out, but this time I think I understand. I wont say that house cleaning gives me great joy, but taking care of my family does. Seeing 'the abyss' turn into a home. I am disorganized, but I am changing. Not because someone else insists I have to, but because I want to. I need to. For me.

  I want a home that I can feel good about inviting others over in. I want to be able to write, or make cards, or otherwise craft, or spend time with my family without feeling guilty that I'm not up folding laundry, or sweeping, or doing dishes.  I know a lot of people don't understand why I cant get the concept of cleaning done, that it's something you "just do." That was the answer I got when I asked someone how you get things done. To me that's as foreign as handing an algebra book to a kindergartener and saying "figure it out." I'm not stupid, I'm not lazy (most of the time), I'm just overwhelmed. I hesitate to say that I'm proud of my accomplishments lately, because I see I have a long way to go, but I'm happy with the progress I'm making. My husband seems to be as well. As long as we both keep this up, especially me, I'll have a home that wont make me cringe every time someone comes by. I can invite others over for dinner or whatever. I like that.