Autism Wednesday: Confessions of Life with Baby Bear

So....I haven't written in a long time. Oh, I've had intentions of writing. I even came up with a blog post or two...that never made it from my computer to here. Life has been filled with the usual ups and downs that find us all. Baby Bear has done so great at times and I've wanted to share those moments --and then there are days that really just make me want to throw my hands up in surrender and say, Come take him. I can't handle it anymore. Those are the times that really break my heart. I know there are parents who have had to make the painful decision to place their child in a residential home of some sort. The one time we came really close to actually doing it --we were informed that the state wouldn't take him. They have no place for young adults with moderate to severe autism. We never pursued it so I have no idea how true that statement is. I do know, however, that in the hierarchy of state funds, adults with special needs are very low on the totem pole. But you know what? Honestly and truly I don't want to place my son in a home that isn't mine. I know there are loving people who become caregivers, and I also know that one day he may very well end up in one anyway, due to the deaths of The Hubs and me, or that we are just too old and frail to care for him properly. At the same time, I can't imagine not having J in the house each night.

The times that I do consider placement are born out of frustration, anger, and fear. This is a home we plan to stay in for a very long time if we can. We are the ones responsible for repairs. It makes me feel better that I don't have the worry of a landlord throwing us out because J broke something, but it also makes my heart sink when I see the damage that has occurred in J's room already. Sometime very soon, as in the next few weeks or so, we will be learning all about replacing dry wall. At the same time, we are considering what to put on the walls that is sturdy enough to withstand the banging, but wont seriously hurt his hands. Quite obviously plain, painted walls aren't going to cut it in his room. If a crack or hole is knocked in it, his OCD  kicks in and he starts picking at it, particularly if he's angry or bored. See where this is going? Yeah, not pretty. There are books, magazine articles and blog posts galore on baby proofing your home.  Baby Bear proofing? Not so much. I feel like I'm paving the way on this one. 

So...yeah. That's pretty much life here at Dottie's Life these days. Mostly good, some not so good, and learning to tread water again. I won't promise to write posts because we've seen how that goes here. But please don't give up on me. I have lots to tell you about. I just stumbled once again and let life pull at me. I want to write at least three posts a week, if not more. If I lag, please feel free to contact me. I love hearing from you even if I don't get a chance to respond.  For now, housework calleth, as does Baby Bear. He's "talking" to me in his own language, wanting attention. I do love his sense of humor.

 Baby Bear doesn't like getting his hair cut very often due to sensitivity issues. But I do love his mischievous smile. Doesn't he clean up good?

Sharing Responsibilities in the Household

Photo from Photo Bucket.

The late, great Erma Bombeck once wrote about how, when her husband retired, he tried to help her out by rearranging her kitchen to make it more efficient. Rather than being helpful, he drove her to distraction and she wanted him out of her kitchen!
  I'm not here to complain about husbands, or their helpfulness around the house. Quite the contrary. I'm thrilled for help, anywhere in the house. Sometimes though, the help adds to the work: spices left on the sink after use, onions too near my sink to get things accomplished, and perhaps the biggest "sin" of all, leaving a cast iron skillet filled with water. That last one is a particular no no for me. My cast iron skillets are the workhorses of my kitchen and I take care to keep them in top shape. 
  I'm not the most organized person in the house, that much is obvious. I can't rightly fuss at my husband for leaving spices out when I'm behind on a few chores around the house. I don't want to, anyway because it makes him defensive and less likely to volunteer to cook. Like most humans he tends to get a little defensive when I even say things such as "While i appreciate your help in this, I'd l'd like it better if you did that." I'm not sure there is a way to get the message across without hurt feelings so for now I'll zip it and (try to) lead by example in how I want my kitchen to be run.
  See? I'm kind of a perfectionist there, huh? I'm trying to ease my grip on that, but my kitchen is small, as is the rest of the house, and the place can get cluttered up very easily. 
  But do we as women take on too much of  the household load, even those who work outside the home?  While we know that it is a good idea to delegate some things, we end up doing most if not all of it ourselves. Why? We think this is what is expected of us as women, and besides, no one else can do it the right way (translated: our way. Even if we let the kids or The Hubby help, what do we do? We go right behind them, redoing the job that was just done. And we complain about it out loud or we steam about it, right? 
   Organizer Julie Morganstern teaches this about delegation: If someone else can get it done better than you, faster than you, or just as good, let them. That's really good advice. Even full time homemakers can and should delegate some of the work. Face it, we're not here sitting at the computer all day pinning recipes and crafts on Pinterest and chatting on Facebook all day while stuffing our faces with chocolate. At least, not all day. Some of us home teach our children (aside from reading to them, singing to them, toilet training, and all those other things we do without once thinking we aren't qualified to teach), planning and cooking meals, running errands, cleaning the house, and taking the kids to appointments and activities. And some of us have home businesses that also take our time. Not allowing the kids (and the husband) to help out because they get in the way, they need to be kids and not worry about such things, they can't do it good enough to suit you, or "its my job" leads to Helpless Husband syndrome and Helpless Child syndrome.
  What happens if you're away on business, or you end up in the hospital for a few days, or heaven forbid, you die? Who will do all those things you do? Most likely the real scenario is your child will move on to college, coming home only when they've run out of things to wear and expect mom to do the laundry while they run off to visit friends. Teach them when they are young that everyone must pull together to keep the house clean and running smoothly. A four year old can make her own bed once you show her and help her the first few times. Sure, it's not going to be perfectly neat at first, but praise her efforts and resist the temptation to remake it. A two year old can pick up his toys and put them away, especially if you already have an organizational plan in place. Simple dollar store bins with pictures and labels can allow him to know where to put the legoes and where the toy guns belong. 
   Have the whole family work together in the kitchen. Depending on age and development the children can set and clear the table, wash the dishes (or load the dishwasher, and help prepare the meal, leading up to them learning to plan and cook a meal by themselves. Even if its just you and your husband, team up and have one cook while the other acts as sous chef, chopping veggies, putting away the ingredients as they are used. Use this time to reconnect.(This will also help avoid the frustration of discovering a cast iron skillet filled with water.) Part of our jobs as mothers is to teach the children, both female and male, to take care of themselves as they eventually leave the nest. 
  I will admit I've been a little slack in teaching J some skills. It's been easier to let him do his own thing instead of showing him how to set the table or wash plates.  I want him to be as independent as possible yet I forget he isn't totally helpless. He is capable of learning to do things himself. He may even learn to cook some things, with supervision. That one will take some work, however. 
  What are some ways that you teach your children homemaking/self help skills?

Lovin Life

 Suzy Homemaker I am not. I follow some homemaking bloggers (don't get to read them every day, but I try to keep up)and I think, Wow! How do they do it all? I highly suspect they are like mama duck here, looking calm and cool on top and paddling furiously to keep up! That's about the way I see life anyway. I just don't always manage to make it look so easy. That's okay though. Life has some bumpy roads, but I have my faith in God, a loving husband by my side, a caring family, and a very supportive Christian family. In the end it's all worth it. I know that comes off as a bit trite, but in a nutshell, that's it. Maybe one day I'll explain a little of that, but if you've read this blog for long, you know that I have a breaking point. I'm just taking it day by day and lovin' life.
  Today however, I'm in a cooking mood.  I have pizza dough rising and I just tried my hand at creating a mac and cheese recipe. That one may take some adjusting. My family still hasn't gotten used to whole wheat pasta, but that is what I had on hand, so we shall see. If it turns out good I'll share the recipe. 
  J is taking an afternoon nap so now would be the perfect time to a) whip up a batch of cookies, b) clean the kitchen a bit more, or c) take a nap myself. I have only a few minutes before my pizza dough needs to be punched down, so the nap is out. Cookies sound great but I think I will wait until tomorrow to make those. Cleaning it is. Sighhh.... such an exciting life I lead. But you know, I wouldn't trade it for anything.  Have a great day.